You tell me. . .

Scenario #1
The other day I opened the door to a solicitor. He smiled and said,
"Well hello. Is your mom or dad home?"
"UM...I'M MOM."

Was he wearing dark glasses and carrying a white cane? NO.
Did one of my kids answer the door? NO.
Were they anywhere around? NO.
Did he act embarrased at the mistake? Totally.

So ok. As I walked upstairs, I had to smile and think, "Am I offended?"
IS THIS A COMPLIMENT OR A TOTAL SLAM?
You tell me.

Scenario #2
My girls fight over who gets to "shnuggle mom" when we are on the couch.
They argue why they think I am more comfortable.
Avery's argument: Mom is as soft as a cloud.
Téa's argument: Mom is as soft as bunny.
Is this a compliment or a slam?
You tell me.

Sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying.
Seriously.

I've Met My Match

Yesterday was my birthday. I got some gifts, spent the morning with some friends, and ate delicious, delicious food.
Does a girl need more??
This girl does.
And no, you are not thinking what I am thinking.

It was late, LOST was over. Kate and Juliette had duked it out. I was tired and did NOT want to sit up to see what Ben was trying to show me on his laptop.
Yeah, no. I was NOT moving.
Oooh, but I am glad that I did. Who would have thought that a simple 4-line email from a stranger named Anthony would MAKE my birthday dreams come true? It was the owner of a dog training school telling us he is ready for us to DROP OFF Rocco for A MONTH of in-house training!!!!!!

Do you hear it?? I can hear it. Yah, it’s the Hallelujah Chorus, again.

Now, don't get me wrong. . .I have lived with some difficult people, in - let's just say - some very difficult circumstances:
I've had roommates steal my undies (and yes, wear them). I've had others smash pictures of me down in the couch cushions. I've found a girl hiding in the closet with a gallon of Mint Chip ice cream (true). I’ve also had my mail chucked at me (hard) because I got a letter from my boyfriend and she didn’t. I've had a roommate "turn me in" for being out late on a date – forcing me to have to clean dumpsters all afternoon. I’ve lived with a bulimic clogger who DID NOT OWN a toothbrush! I’ve had a roommate un-affectionately known as “MOM” because she would DAILY ask me how my shower was or tell me I couldn’t go out with Ben because I hadn’t studied enough for my physics test. I've had a male neighbor strip-down and stand in front of the eye-level window whenever I walked by. He also got his mail in nothing more than his boxers and cowboy boots (again, true) insisting that I loved it. I've had a creepy apartment neighbor who would try to talk to me through our thin walls while I was showering saying, "Hellooooo, I know you are in there..." I've had a roommate in Israel leave me a goat's hoof on my desk with a note that said "For all you do, this hoof's for you." I've had a mission companion fuming-mad at me because I was "breaking mission rules by not eating 2-3 servings of meat a day" (if you lived where I did, you would be vegetarian too). I've had another one tell me I'm not allowed to laugh "because that is being idle." I've been force-fed all parts of a pig and/or cow (ALL parts). I’ve been greeted by half of a cat placed on our porch, followed by a bullet, and than a knife. I’ve lived next door to cock-fight trainers who would tie their roosters to the top of chain-link fences to make them mean. We would sneek out late at night and untie the (understandably) mean roosters. I've been woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of our ceiling crashing to the floor. I've lived in shacks made of plywood infested with huge flying cockroaches and rats the size of pregnant cats who literally ATE through the wood trap forcing us to build one out of metal and bait it with chicken (we named him Nicodemus). I've been bitten by an octopus (yes, they have beaks), a squirrel, and a snake. I have recently found more than one snake in my home. I've spent the night outside being dive-bombed by bats trying to get our hair. I've backpacked Europe for a week with no shower and - when finally given the chance - spent 45 minutes filling an ancient tub with water from various ancient tea kettles, only to have THE LAST KETTLE dump green SCRAMBLED EGGS into my bath (I cried).
I've been peed on, thrown-up on, and lied to.

I can continue.

These stories bring me nothing other than smiles. Lots of smiles. I love them.
Neighbors can be weird.
Roommates are suppose to be neurotic.
And animals, well, animals bite.

But Rocco. Wow. I can’t do Rocco. I have never seen a dog like Rocco. He is a 60 pound chunk of lead that will run-down even the most innocent civilian. We’ve tried everything. And other than putting him up for sale on Ebay, I have not known what to do.

I'VE MET MY MATCH.

Until last night.
Anthony, the dog trainer, gave me the Birthday Gift of all Birthday Gifts. I’ve never met him, but I already love him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

The Master Cleanse

Tomorrow is my 10th and final day of my cleanse. Yes I, Briar, have gone 9 days without putting a piece of food in my mouth. Not a grain of rice nor a Cheerio. (I did have to smell the girls' Nilla Wafers and Beth's Cafe Rio taco. That somehow made me feel better.)
Friends have been really cute/funny about it. Almost everyday I will get a call from someone and they will just slowly ask "Soooo, how. are. you???" I know it seems crazy but I have been doing great.
But let me just tell you. . .I feel so so much better!
I decided to do this because I am so dang tired ALL OF THE TIME! I'd get headaches and be irritable at night. I wanted a Diet Coke to just fix it for me.
Well- I decided I was done with that.
I feel great. My head is clear, my stomach doesn't hurt, I get out of bed much quicker, etc. It has been well worth it.
I do have to say, I am nervous coming off it. It will take 3 days to assimilate my body back to the world of food.
Oh, but I am excited. . .just to CHEW something, for crying out loud!
Oh - and - that picture is not of me, nor did I take it. I just love it. Much nicer than a photo of lemons or cayenne pepper - 2 things of which I have consumed mass amounts of for over a week.

Too bad they are so shy. . .

Seriously - my kids. I took this photo about 2 weeks ago. They were so so so loving the outfits they chose for themselves. The layered shirts and added shrug "are so fashion." And Avery's "Sparkle Boots" that will flatten any living thing (plants included) within a 5 mile radius of their smell (they have since taken-up residence in the ba-a-a-ack of her closet until she "unfortunately" ourgrows them).
They fought over who got to have their photo taken first. So - they got it taken together.

OK. So I am not a natural blogger. I will go weeks without thinking about it. Well, I am here to say that I am thinking about it and I am blogging here and now.
I have been busy for awhile. Here is the lowdown on moi. You are sooo stoked right now.

A) Valentine's Day: We did nothing. Nada. BUT - the night before, in honor of it, we decided to treat ourselves to a Ben Kweller concert. Oh wow. He jumped up on stage and my head hurt for a second. . .I SWEAR he is 15. Not a DAY over 16. But he started singing and I knew it was really him, and that is all I cared about. If you refer to a November 2nd entry I made, I was OBSESSED with a song called Sundress. He sang it. I sang it. I was able to "call it good." Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh, one note. . .The place was standing room only, way too tight. So I was leaning up against Ben. This guy in front of me kept looking back at me. Like weird staring. So I would just smile back. Like 10 minutes would go by and he would look back again. It kept happening. Driving me nuts! Well. I finally CAUGHT Ben pinching the poor guy's butt. He had been doing it all night LOVING watching me and this guy's weird interaction. Ben stopped, the guy looked back, and I gave him the "wink and head nod." That sealed it. He never looked back again. I would rather him think I was doing it than my husband.

B) Ben turned 30. (Thank you to all who helped with the book!) I had a hard time with him being 30. I can no longer live vicariously through his 20ness.

C) Josie and Charlie came to visit for a week. We loved it. We even took Charlie to Cabela's and the shooting range. Nothing like a mountain filled with taxidermied/dead animals on a cold snowy day. (Utah is a little limited in the winter.) They were up for a wedding, and Jake and I got to go. It was a traditional Samoan wedding. LOVED IT. Honest. It was great. Other people would dance for the couple. Their bodies all greased up and people sticking money to their sticky bodies. (don't ask) We loved it the first 14 times, but when the 15th person got up, Jake and I had to leave.

D) I got snowed in this morning. As of this afternoon, we are living in the Arctic Tundra.

I'M IN LOVE

I can't get enough of Avery. She is Jazmiss (Jasmine) and DEAD serious.

"Do you know who I THINK I am?!!"

Me and Trevi

OK. We went to Chefdance, yes CHEFdance, not Sundance, but is was at Sundance, no not in Sundance, but in Park City. We went on the opening night, Thursday. Seriously, if People Watching were a sport (which I will argue it IS) it would be the Superbowl and if it were shopping, it would be the Day after Thanksgiving, and if it were Avery, it would be Christmas or Cheetos. Yeah, it was that good. The people really came through for me this year, and I appreciate that.

All the Sundance Film Festival is about is The HAVES and The HAVE-NOT's. That is all it's about. The movies are just a cover. You see, you can BUY tickets to the movies. Everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else is not bought, but SHMOOZED. No one is even INVITED, tickets do not exist, your place is SHMOOZED. I take that back. The 15 celebrities who go are invited. The rest did what they were suppose to do. . .SHMOOZE. And the coordinators of these events are fully aware of what they are doing. They are creating a myriad of opportunites to allow "industry people" to feel important and cool.

I witnessed this first hand. They invent VIP rooms and VIP sections within those VIP rooms. Well, your name is on the list for the VIP section, but do you have a wrist band for the VIP area of that VIP section??? You do? Great. Guess what. You need a stamp with that wristband to get into the VIP corner of the VIP area in that VIP section. OOOOOH, sorry. You don't have the green wrist band also, just the pink one. You can't sit in THOSE seats. HONEST I am not making this up. We laughed so hard watching guys tell groups of people "Oh, they won't let you in? Oh, I can get you in. I'm friends with Jonny who knows Chrissy whose mom did the flowers at Tom Cruise's wedding. We're golden. C'mon, follow me." So down the stairs they come, and back up they go. Denied and off to the next try.

So - back to me - We had our name on the VIP list which got us into the Airborne and EXTRA Bar. Then our name was AGAIN on a 2nd VIP list that got us the VIP wristbands for the CHEFDANCE dinner. Then Ben shmoozed (yes, of course he did) Mr. Chefdance himself who personally walked us up to the heavy who VIP-stamped our non-VIP wrists and into the Matisyahu concert upstairs in HarryOs. (Unbelievable concert by the way.)

So, by now with our name on two VIP lists, a wrist band and wrist stamp - you would think we have made it into the innersanctum of VIPdom. No no. There was a VIP section in there too. I just started laughing. That one was my favorite. It was a small little area that was sectioned off in the middle. The funny thing was that you could get up to the stage and all the way around that area without being a VIP-to-the-fifth-degree. For sure, the only only only reason that one was there was so that some overweight, clipboard-carrying, jewelry-wearing, cologne-offending, slicked-back-hairing guy can feel cool about letting in his friend's friend's friend's 5 latest 22 year old, alcohol-carrying, puke-smelling, breath-offending, unconcious-being, Charlotte Russe wearing, stumbling girls. Hmmmm...
Maybe next year. . .

DECEMBER

We have had a really great month. Busy. And great. We went on a ski trip to Big Sky with the Websters (Avery says insists it was a "Skateboarding Vacation") where Téa and I both attempted snowboarding for the first time. OK,that is a story for another time. I have the bruises still.
Ok, so then we rush back for Christmas. After Christmas, while still in the one week process of "detoxing" my kids of the sugar that they have been main-lining for 2 weeks, I get a little call from Shmeegs asking me to come visit. "Oh, and by the way, we will just swing down to Palm Springs for a few days". Of course, I accepted the offer and left the next night with just the girls and no Ben. Thank heavens for movies and movie headphones. Those girls melted the Corpse Bride and Mermaidia DVDs. I've never seen Mermaidia, but I do know every annoying word of it and that Bibel "IS SOOOO FUNNY!!". My cell phone battery is on the fritz so I couldn't talk my way down to Vegas, I had to sing my way. That is too much singing. Even for me.
We didn't have any problems when we stopped in St. George this time. (Well - one. Avery made it all the way to the restroom and THEN wet her pants. She just cried and said "WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE A BUM! IT JUST MAKES MY PANTS WET! She was so so sad and was so irritated that she had some malfunctioning body that leaks.) The last two times we stopped there our license plate was ripped off our car. What is that all about?!
Back to the trip. It was great. Palm Springs was SOOOO, well, SOOO not Utah. No snow, and a pool. FABULOUS.
Wow - I've got to stop. I am dragging on. Can you tell Ben isn't home yet?

CHRISTMAS EVE

Right before she headed up for bed that night, Avery showed us how Santa gets down the chimney.

I WAS INVITED TOO

OK - So Josie, my sister, commented that I am NEVER in any photos. It's not that I am not there, it's just that I am the camera-girl. My dad was totally the camera-guy growing up. We joke that he was just never invited. Well, I am here to say that I have been invited to some things this year. I actually have some pictures to prove it. So - enjoy this barrage of Briar photos because it will take at least another 12 months to get this many again.
Josie, this is dedicated to you.

I was invited (by myself) to cut 14 inches off my hair. . .


I was invited to my own house to decorate Christmas cookies with the Bithells...


I was invited to Lagoon this summer with my family and the Hillmans. . .


I was even invited onto the Ferris Wheel with Avery. . .


I was invited to be a spectator with Avery at every one of Téa's soccer games. . .


I was invited to a little snuggle-time with Téa before the babysitter came over...


I was invited to one of Ben's art shows downtown. . .


I was invited to take a long-needed breather with my dad from prepping for my first ever at-home Thanksgiving. . .


And, I was totally invited to Angela and Scott's wedding. . .


. . .and fade to black. . .

Not Another Griswald Christmas

We are leaving today for a few days in Idaho and then a few days in Big Sky, Montana for the girls' first ski trip. We finally got our tree (Ben wouldn't allow us to drag another pine tree in from the yard this year. He said it was too ugly. What?) The girls decorated the tree BEAUTIFULLY, with all 76 ornaments in a 4 inch area of the tree, and 2 on their ears.

YOU CAN CONGRATULATE ME LATER

Did you hear a drum roll and then The Hallelujah Chorus the day after Thanksgiving? I think you did. It may have been muffled by a slew of other things, but it was there. Trust me.
You see, after two and a half years, I walked into our bedroom on Thanksgiving Day and I immediately became clinically depressed. Or how Ben asks me if my self-esteem drops 20 points the second I put on my 15 year old "Abner" (A very well worn - and loved - sweatshirt). . . it was a lot like that. Our room was SO ugly.
I finally painted our smoker's-yellow bedroom.
I am a freak. I research and researched everything; to make sure I have made the "perfect" choice, of course. The paint color was no exception. The fact that I was looking into METALLIC paint made it all the more intense.
We painted late at night and I was a little freaked when we finished. It was looking, well, metallic. Ben suggested I wait until morning to freak out. Maybe it would look better.
Well - we woke up and just layed there in silence. It was actually worse. Way worse. I thought we were laying in the inside of a Jiffy Pop bag. We may as well have glued foil to the walls.
Long story short - sort of - we bought "the special roller" that we had mocked the day before, and all was set straight. I am not clinically depressed anymore, but I may have a lower self esteem from time to time (I'm not giving up that sweatshirt Ben).

THE REVEREND ROCCO

Let's talk about Rocco, shall we?
I think we need to have a debate if he is the dumbest dog on the planet, or the smartest, most stubborn. I truly don't know.
He will scratch at the door incessantly and then just stand there and not come in (point: dumb). This happens over and over. I finally give up. So then he starts barking like crazy KNOWING that I will have to let him in (point: smart). He is a year and a half and the only command he knows is SIT (point: dumb) But has figured out how to open his kennel with one of his fangs (point: smart) He was "fixed," which cured his severe problem, but goes back to his old ways ONLY when near other male dogs (point: dumb) (extra point: gross/weird)
Anyway, I think DUMB is up by one point. Whatever.
Wait, he has a love affair with shoes. He loves to lick them. He had a weird licking thing with Zach's (printer who use to work for Ben) legs. He LOVED them. I realize dogs lick things. I realize this. But this is not normal licking.There is something so creepy about it. Honest.
He snores so loud that the walls vibrate. When he was about 2 months old and started snoring, I had to take Tylenol PM and cover my head with my pillow. But that did nothing. The snoring vibrates the walls. (It freaks our babysitters out the first time they come over.)
I have to say though, I love him. I do. He is calming down and getting sweeter. The girls love him. Ben adores him. He is HUGE and insists on sitting on your lap. He gets stuck with his front legs caught in the swing. When he tries to fetch a ball, his short fat body just rolls over the top of it. Rocco sleeps upside down, on his back with his legs straight up. He is such a freak, but I do love him.

A BROKEN HEART IN UNDER 24 HOURS

Oh, Sweet Téa. I had no idea you could break a little heart so quickly. That little snake I found in our house turned out to be "Crystal, the Best Snake in the Whole World." (Yes, Crystal) Anyway, the girls woke up and I brought them the snake. Well, that was the beginning of the end for little Tay. She fell in love immediately. Long story short, after some major explaining that snakes hate tupperware and love dirt, bugs, and water, I convinced Téa that if she loved Crystal, she would let her go. Luckily, we were going to Hobble Creek that afternoon. So, off we went with Crystal "safely" on Téa's lap the whole way. We found a nice new home by the creek and she let the snake go. She took it hard. I didn't give a rip about that snake, but I totally teared up when she was crying "Goodbye Crystal" as it took off down the hillside. She was torn up. But as you can see in the photo, a box of donut holes and some self-requested quiet time took care of the wounds.

WHO I'D LEAVE BEN FOR...

Well, the list is not very long. No, not long at all.
There are only two actually.
First and foremost is Jack Black. Need I explain? Is it not obvious?
Ben is fully aware of this. And he knows that if Jack came knocking, I'd be walking.
This doesn't hurt Ben's feelings. No, he understands.
Now my sister Amy, well, we've got a problem. She would walk away from cute Jon for none other than the one-piece-studded-jumpsuit wearing, 75-year-old senior citizen-ing, Sweet-Caroline-singing NEIL DIAMOND!!!!
I think I just outted her. (We did go to his concert on New Year's Eve 1998 and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it)
Oh, and my other? Nate Berkus. Yes, I know....but we could work around that.

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM

Yah - Another one.
Yes, in my house.
Yah, Ben was gone.
Yes, we kept it.

ADDICTED...this week

I am addicted to the song SUNDRESS by BEN KWELLER. It is just a passing phase. This happens to me all of the time. I will play and play a song until I'm over it. Well, I'm not over it yet. Forget moderation. And then suddenly...done.
Next week, it will be something else and I'll be completely over SUNDRESS and on to my next one. Love 'em and Leave 'em, right?
By the way, I am only like this with music . . . and Swedish Fish.
That's a problem. I will get some and eat them until I never want to see those little red things again. I swear them off for the rest of my life. That "rest of my life" part is about 2 years. Then it happens again. Oh, and then again.

Today, Téa asked when she could get a cell phone.
Oh, and I found a snake in our house this morning. No No, it found ME.

Ah, Sweet Avery